Is There a Bitch in Your Workplace?

Occasionally you may unexpectedly come across a bitch at work.

Most professional women are too busy working long and hard to even contemplate the question. We don’t expect to come across any and we certainly don’t look for them, so how could we tell?

Initially, we can’t believe that someone is being bitchy and tend to assume that we have misread the situation. Why would other women want to humiliate us in a meeting, sabotage our career, or play silly games to destabilize us? We give her the benefit of doubt and may blame ourselves for the misunderstanding and work even harder at communicating. When that doesn’t work, we tend to blame ourselves as we struggle to cope with the interpersonal difficulty.

We don’t wish to betray the sisterhood, or draw attention to our vulnerability, lack of coolness or internal resources. If we try to tell friends and family, they may try to problem solve by offering simplistic retorts we could never utter, or snort with derision at our silly paranoia. 

We tend to remain silent – it is embarrassing and shameful to acknowledge that we’re allowing someone to upset us, or that we are helpless at trying to resolve it. Perhaps we are concerned about retaining our job and swallow our distress. Secretly, we wonder whether we are weak and pathetic; other women seem to take it in their stride or fail to notice. We must be overly sensitive. Maybe we lack political or strategic prowess – yet another failing. We witness our career prospects wither as our naivety or niceness renders us powerless.

A number of women say the following,

1. Incredulity: They cannot believe that another woman could be nasty to them. They surmise that there must be a miscommunication, misunderstanding, or lack of skill – it must be their fault or perhaps there is something wrong with them. They may be re-triggered with primary school memories of popular in-group girls who excluded them or taunts hurled across the playground.

2. Numbness: They work even harder, and trudge on.

3. Exhaustion: They may dread going to work and worry about their reputation and career being eroded. They find it increasingly difficult to ‘switch off’ and worry after hours. They lose their work satisfaction, and struggle to manage their workload.

4. Cynicism: They feel hurt and betrayed. They drag themselves through their work day and ruminate each night. Their creativity and joy is compromised.

Here are a few basic strategies for coping with a nasty manager at work.

If your manager is a destructive bitch,

Never be alone with her for important exchanges. She will lie in the form of ‘not remembering’ what you remember about what was decided.

Transparency is your weapon because secrecy is hers. If you find yourself shafted by her in a meeting, say sweetly in front of colleagues, “I am really confused that you said that, because I thought we had agreed that this and this was happening. Can you help me understand what has happened here? 

Counter her attempts to undermine by dividing and conquering and working individuals very hard, by talking to colleagues and finding support. Don’t allow yourself to be isolated by self-doubt.

Be protective of your privacy. Make sure not to leave your work screen open because she will look over your shoulder and her eyes will ‘vacuum’ your desk.

Stay calm. Many staffers who must answer to destructive managers tolerate ill treatment for months and then explode over something minor. She will turn this into evidence of your emotional instability.

Protect yourself with records. Write confirming emails after verbal exchanges and cc others; always print out and keep hard copies of communications.

These things do happen.

How toxic leaders/managers destroy people as well as organisations

How toxic leaders/managers destroy people as well as organisations

There is a growing incidence of toxic leadership in organisations across the world. Yesterday I wrote about a toxic organisation where my friend nearly had a breakdown. Had he not left maybe he would be ill from what he went through. In most cases it is people who give organisation bad reputation. And its all about power. It is therefore clear that this cancer of toxicity threatens the well-being of both individuals and organisations. It also affects the performance of a society and country. That’s why there is a pressing need for leaders to understand the nature, dynamics and evolution of toxic leadership and organisations.

The word “toxic” comes from the Greek “toxikon” which means “arrow poison”. In a literal sense, the term in its original form thus means to kill (poison) in a targeted way (arrow). Toxic organisations and leaders/managers therefore are those who deliberately destroy the fabric of the institution.

What makes a toxic leader?

Toxic leadership represents the “dark” side of leadership. It affects individuals as well as organisations. In the case of individuals toxic leadership refers to ongoing, deliberate, intentional actions - the “arrow” - by a leader to undermine the sense of dignity, self-worth and efficacy of an individual - the “poison”. This results in exploitative, destructive, devaluing and demeaning work experiences. These destructive actions may be physical, psychosocial or even spiritual when they diminish a person’s meaning and purpose.

A toxic organisation is one that erodes, disables and destroys the physiological, psychosocial and spiritual well- being of the people who work in it in permanent and deliberate ways. In other words, an organisation becomes metaphorically a “poison pill” for employees.

In contrast to toxic leadership, healthy, authentic leadership nurtures and affirms the dignity, worth and efficacy of an individual. It creates enabling, empowering and meaningful work experiences.

And a healthy, authentic organisation is one that nurtures and grows the physiological, psychosocial and spiritual well-being of its organisational members.

Can toxic leaders be competent?

Leadership toxicity and incompetence are not directly related. Both competent – getting the desired results - and incompetent leadership can be toxic.

If a narrower definition of competence is used - only focusing on technical and professional competencies - a toxic leader may still be seen as competent because they are “delivering the goods”. This is particularly true if a short-term view is taken. But over the longer term their short-term success is unsustainable. This is because they are destroying their teams, departments or organisations in the process.

If a comprehensive, long term view is taken toxic leaders are incompetent because they are not competent across all domains of a well-rounded leader. Taking a comprehensive view, leadership qualities include personal attributes, technical and professional competencies, values and attitudes, and conduct.

I believe that toxic leaders, regardless of their level of technical and professional competence, are incompetent. After all, competent leadership is all about getting things done with people.

Typical toxic leaders

Five typical toxic leaders exist:

• The Cold Fish: the ends justify the means. So,any decision and action is justifiable in terms of the results desired.
• The Snake: the world serves me in the endeavour to satisfy my personal needs like greed, status and power.
• Glory Seeker: personal glory and public visibility at any cost, regardless of whether I have made any real and meaningful contribution.
• Puppet Master: absolute, centralised control over everything and anyone, under all circumstances.
• Monarch: ruling the organisation as if it is my kingdom. All of its assets are available for my personal use.

The more prolific these toxic leaders are in an organisation, the more toxic the organisation.

Below are some of the characteristics of these bad leaders:

The Snakes: lacks integrity, manipulative, egocentric and self serving,divisive

Glory Seeker: demeans and devalues people, manipulative, egocentric and self serving, divisive, unpredictable and inconsistency

Cold Fish: punishes and coerces, abusive, aloof and excessive control

Puppet Master: punishes, manipulative, exploitative ,aloof and excessive control

Monarch: punishes, manipulative, exploitative, excessive control

Typical toxic organisations

The typical manifestations of a toxic organisation resulting from toxic leadership are:

• Negative emotional moods and mood swings: anger, despair, despondency, frustration, pessimism and aggression.
• Unproductive and meaningless work.
• Destructive and counterproductive conduct.
• Employee physical and emotional disengagement and withdrawal such as absenteeism, lack of contribution, and turnover.
• Unethical, deviant conduct: theft, fraud and sabotage.
• Poor well-being and health.
• Low (team) morale and work satisfaction.
• Organisational dis-identification and low organisational commitment.
• General life dissatisfaction.

But organisations can be toxic in their own right through the organisational culture they have. Organisational culture refers to shared ways of seeing, interpreting and acting upon the world that becomes ingrained in an organisation’s DNA. It’s the glue holding it together and provides an organisation with a way of looking at and relating to the world.

When toxic patterns become ingrained into the DNA of an organisation the following patterns emerge:

• Paranoid: the defensive, afraid, suspicious, trusting no-one or nobody organisation.
• Compulsive: the over-planned and over-programmed organisation.
• Hyperactive: the impulsive, unfocused organisation, acting like an adolescent.
• Deflated: the energyless, depressed and impotent organisation.
• Delusional: the reality estranged, make-believe organisation, living in a world of its own.
• Conscienceless: the unethical, amoral organisation.

There appears to be a growing incidence of the cancer of toxic leadership and organisations. This is in no uncertain terms endangering the well-being of organisational members, compromising future sustainable organisational, community and societal performance and success, as well as the very continued existence of them.

As someone interested in Leadership and Management, as a person who talks to people, I have heard so much about toxic workplace to know it is an important area.

Based on Research by Theo Veldsman

Microagressions in the workplace -Toby’s story

I had just got seated in a café when I heard my name being called. I didn’t look up as I just thought there could be another Abbie.

‘Abbie, its me Toby!’. The name sounded familiar so I looked up and lo and behold, my friend Toby had made his way in the café where I had been enjoying a hot cholate drink.

‘Long time, what are you doing here?’ I asked pecking him on both cheeks. ‘I thought you went back to Africa?’, I added.

‘I did but went to Belgium after that. I was working for a big non governmental organisation’, Toby added.

‘Wow! How did you find it and what are you doing here then? ‘, I asked curiously.  I had met Toby while working part time while I was studying. We just got on and used to talk a lot about the challenges we faced on coming to the UK. Toby was from Ghana and we had so much in common.

‘Long story Abbie but let me get a drink first’, he said going to the counter to pay for his drink.

He came back quickly and I said, ‘I am all ears. What’s the story?’ I asked sipping my hot drink. I thought it was just about his settling here. I was not prepared for what he told me.

‘Before I bore you with my story, you look well Abbie’, he said.

‘Thank you ‘, I responded. ‘And so, do you’, I added. I hadn’t seen Toby for more than five years now and we had not even kept in touch.

Toby had gone back to his country and got married. His wife got a scholarship to go and study in Belgium and they decided to go together.  ‘Life has treated you well Toby’, I said.

‘Oh yes, I can’t complain and my wife is doing well so she has been posted here, that’s why we are here’, he added.

‘Great! How about you? I asked, pleased for my friend.  When they came back to England from Belgium, Toby didn’t have a job so he started looking for work again. Luckily, he got temporary work and he didn’t mind as he hoped to get a long-term job in the long run. His nightmare story started when he accepted this job in a big organization.

Toby’s experiences of micro aggressions and his talk of depression.

Toby was a quite guy, only talked when you talk to him, unless he knew you.  Professionally a great employee who paid attention to detail and eager to learn. I was one person who made Toby talk and we used to talk and laugh before he left the UK, but generally a bit on the quite side, if not shy. What he told me was rather shocking and worrying. When Toby was posted to the job he accepted hoping to learn as much as he could and had hoped this first position would lead to bigger things. He was to work in a team of five ladies. At first, they all seemed happy to have a man in the team. Then he noticed that it was all a façade. The last thing they wanted amongst them was a black man, and soon this would become clear to Toby.

Toby explained that microaggressions ranged from excluding him in conversations, treating him like an idiot.Toby was an intelligent guy with two degrees in Stats and Maths.  As a new person, he needed guidance- sort of an induction in the new job but the ladies decided they would do no such thing. Some even complained he was disturbing them when he asked work related questions- even complained to senior management, others, just blocked him in conversation-like he wasn’t there.  Whatever he did was never right. For a person who had worked for a big organisation in Belgium, he couldn't not understand what he was doing wrong. One of the ladies lived in the same area with Toby and whenever she saw him on the bus to work would get out and get the next one. The other asked everyone in the office if they wanted a cup of tea and left him out. While these might seem small issues, try being on the receiving everyday and se how it feels. It got to the point of him being scared of speaking to any of the girls for fear of being reported to the managers for disturbing 'the hard working ,ever busy ladies'.

He didn’t know who to ask anything, if he did, one would say don’t disturb so and so, she is so busy. The same ladies would from time to in go on their phones during office hours or chat to one another endlessly excluding Toby. He told me if he went for his lunch, he would come back to an office full of laughter but the moment he took to his seat, the silence will be deadening.

He said he realised he was not welcome and came to the conclusion that these people might have not worked with people from other cultures. He said, ‘Abbie, I felt as if there was something wrong with being black, having an accent and just being different’. I started to get anxious every Sunday night when I knew on Monday I would be in the office with these ladies’.

I could not believe what I was hearing. All I could think of how neo liberalism really has made us believe that we are living in the post racial years. It took me back to my own experiences in places, where I could also feel that I was not welcome. Unfortunately, there are new forms of subtle, unconscious or colour-blind racism and we live in a society that seem tired of hearing about race. And it is people like Toby and myself and many others who can only know what it feels to experience racism.  As a friend of mine once said, racism that is direct and clear cut is better to accept than the one that comes camouflaged, because what does one do? No one will believe you and people would only say ‘chip on shoulder’ and one wouldn’t be able to prove it as well.

Our drinks got cold and I offered to get us new ones.

I got up and left Toby looking forlorn. ‘How can I help my friend?’ I thought to myself. Sadly, it was not the first time hearing such stories. What worries me is this happens in big organisations.

I came back and sat down with my friend. I thought the best therapy was to let him talk.

After spending two weeks he decided to keep silent and only talk when he was spoken to. ‘I decided to give them their space, Abbie’, he said. ‘And when you get back you are so drained, angry and you can’t have quality time with your family’, Toby added.

I was getting upset. My friend was really in trouble I could tell by his face.

‘People can get depressed, or even kill themselves just by the way they are treated in organisations. Its better if organisation could just stop pretending they are for diversity and stop torturing ethnic minorities than bring them in an organisation only to kill them’, he added.

‘Toby, are you still working in this organisation?’, I asked worryingly.

‘No, I left. I will be looking and taking care of my son now while I think of what to do next.  I could not carry on working in that toxic environment. Maybe I will do some studying’, Toby said. 'I am lucky I could leave ,but imagine those who cant afford that luxury. But these things stay with you', he added

My brain was now working overtime.  I was not a trained counsellor but what I was hearing didn’t sound right.

‘You should talk to your GP as well Toby. Studying might also help you put this experience behind you’, I said. I reminded Toby that not all organisations are like that and should look for help.

‘I am glad I met you Abbie. It feels so nice to be talking about this to someone who can identify with what I have experienced. Those women do not like people like me. I could not carry on, the environment was too toxic and even the management didn’t seem to understand me so I had no one to go to’, he added.

‘I am sorry Toby that you had to go through this’, I said.

‘And you worry whether, they would believe you against five people’, Toby added.

I was sad. There was silence, each of us thinking. We didn’t even finish our drinks.

‘Let’s have our drinks before they get cold again. Don’t worry about me, Abbie. My son and wife will keep me sane and besides I have friends like you’, he broke the silence.

‘Of course’, I said, not sure he would be OK. He showed me his wife and son’s pictures. We laughed and talked about old times when we were both new in the UK and feeling homesick. It was nice to see my friend smile and laugh but I was deeply affected by his experiences.  We bid each other farewell and promised to keep in touch. I went home thinking. How can workplaces with few ethnic minorities protect them from microaggressions?  I don’t think this will ever be possible as more and more organisations would like to claim they have race and equality on the agenda, but the truth is people are feeling isolated in some organisations. I am not only talking about Toby but I have spoken to friends who have been in similar situations as Toby’s. Some left their jobs but others still soldier on because they have no other way of making a living. And the problem is how do you know whether were you go will be better?

So, what does the future hold?

What Toby has experienced is nothing new and there are many Tobies out there who are taking this treatment silently. I shudder to think how many cases of mental health and suicides a result of this kind of treatment. We seem to have moved a lot from the days of direct racism but as I said the racist of the 21^st century is worse because its difficult to prove. I have spoken to people who like Toby have gone home fuming with anger from they way they would have been treated by colleagues and management with nothing to could do. Terms like ‘too sensitive’, ‘you are not cut out for this place’, ‘you have chip on shoulder’, ‘you like playing the race card’ have been used to anyone who dared say anything. A friend of mine once said we need to have some research on the long-term effects of isolation of minorities in the workplace. From my friend Toby’ s experiences and many others I am sure if such research were to be carried out, we will be shocked. The problem I see now is every organization wants to be seen as embracing diversity. While it is a great thing to do, there is no point if it’s only done to tick boxes because the issue of equality, equity and diversity affects real people. Organisations should think through their policies and make sure they are not making ethnic minorities ‘s lives in the workplace even worse.

 

Disclaimer:  Toby - not his real name but the story is true and happened to my friend I shall not mention here. He is alright and for now is on a career break doing a PhD in Mathematics. We talk and laugh, he has been able to speak to his GP and is enjoying being a stay home dad and doing a part time degree.